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i didn’t want to write this

sometimes i write about you
then clean it all up
messes on my page i no longer care for
creases in my notebook no longer meant for you
but damn i was in love that fall
transfixed through it all
for red sweaters and love letters
waiting for a call hanging on all the wrong strings

then winter had you saying things “you didn’t mean”
got in my head with your cold hands up my shirt
yelling through the phone how i was hell turned upside down
forced to cut the wire with my own bloody hands
so your words wouldn’t stick to me like hot asphalt
the kind you’d force me against
getting burnt while you got a new girl
racking up heaving lungs and calling it your greatest sacrifice
but i saw you as some type of angel
and you knew that
so you’d fold paper and thread strings
with anything you could find
making a cut out sky for a cardboard love

swirling my mind to think back to that first day in spring
you cost me everything but you told me it’s okay if it’s for us
my face turning blue for the songs you said i was supposed to sing to you
all the wrong lines talking about all the right times
the ones that never even happened

but i forgive you
for all the things you’ll never apologize for
and i hope it makes you angry
knowing that i can forgive you more than you’ll ever forgive yourself.

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