Poems
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shatter

You said there is not a good enough reason for her to know
so you have me by the nape of my neck as you’re kissing my throat
and I’m still hopelessly searching for some redeemer to save me
but all my lovers look like you
and we both know your girls too good for you
so you fuck me to prove a point
unzipping my jeans and putting your fingers on my lips
until they touch my tongue and i start to beg for it

but i didn’t ask for her name
i didn’t want to know how it tastes in your mouth
instead i’m kissing your waist and counting the pulses on your wrist
just to make sure some part of you is still human

but your eyes say nothing
and your cigarettes and hotel key on the bedside table
bring flashbacks of July nights
the ones where we actually loved each other

but now you are loveless, loveless, loveless
as you push me to the floor telling me to leave
and i look confused with red cheeks you used to say you adored
as you look off to the side with a blank stare that always scared me
so i quickly bring my fingers to my mouth
feeling warmth and redness on my lips
tasting copper and biting leftover shards of glass
you insist you won’t regret

because “I’ll always love you” you used to say
and i wanted so badly to believe you didn’t notice fresh cuts on my body
every time you carelessly held out a broken hand
asking me to cross such sharp lines
the kind you made with your own tongue
the kind i swear in another life has to be called love
the kind i wrote about as if it was worth dying over

but i effortlessly swallow myself as i let you grab my softened throat
and hold me down under pages of my own ink
words you smeared all over my bedroom walls before you left “for the last time”
but nothing matters as i start to breathe less and see black spots
the kind that used to look like yellow hued sparks
drifting in and out of blurred memories
recounting the only one i allowed myself to keep

where you rolled over on off white sheets
and the sunlight hit your face in such a subtle way
the first time you told me you loved me
images you probably won’t remember

how your eyes spoke with depth
as you leaned in softly
to kiss my forehead
still hearing your sweet laugh
as if it’s embedded into a piece of me
but what happened to you
caught on liquor that has made you its fool
and what happened to me
caught on blue love I lost in you
that only warms when I come near
but now I am on some cold, hotel floor
and everything begins to look like an unspoken type of grey
and i stare at the door as you pick up your phone and turn away
noticing how unrecognizable your voice is
as you speak to her
but i stay still
emptily holding out for you to say something more to me
because it’s only on your love that i choke
for dreams i didn’t see disintegrating onto my bare feet
the ones you knew were never possible,
the ones you only implied you promised

but with both hands on my throat
your eyes asked the silent question
“whose love died first?”
and why couldn’t i see it
why couldn’t i see it
why couldn’t i see it
haunts me as I lift myself up 
and turn the knob
without looking back
any last words numbed out by an endless ringing sound
that seems to complete me
because I was mistaken to come back here
and i couldn’t understand it
how you didn’t have any of my heart left to break
and yet something inside me still shattered.

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