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love and fear

I didnt know how scared i was until my face was buried in your shoulders and tears welled up in my eyes and I didn’t know how to say it so I nodded my head to your sweet questions and silently held back knowing full well you’d never want me to. Creating a space of love I can pour myself into and yet I feel I dont know how to without using my own hands to rip at some stitched up cloth above my heart. And I dont want to get hurt again, I dont want to get hurt again. You’d think after years I wouldnt be afraid, or that I would have found some solace in her name, or that I would have summed it down to a cliche line of “it all happens for a reason”. And reasons it did, for the reason I’m lying here with my arms wrapped around your shoulders and my wet red cheeks thanking the universe for some hidden path that led me to your bedroom, to soft walls and warm silence. But that doesnt mean I am not full of fear, that my heart suddenly has learned the word “trust”. Because i lost myself before, I lost the person I had grown to love. I sat in dark corners and listened to faint love poems that didnt sound right, choppy and cruel even on the sweetest of lips, I refused love for the purest reason of, I have no innocence with which to believe in it. I was bitter, and I was tasteless, and I did not believe myself to be someone worthy or knowing of love. And dusty books became my close companions and loss became my best friend. As if i didnt know anyone else, pushing everything away under the feeling of worthlessness. And I was never sure why you’d stay, but I knew why you had to leave. Because my love was folded up and buried in an unmarked grave I searched for, looking for my former lover’s face until I realized she was never there to begin with, she was never buried with me. But my love had gone away with her, to be given to someone else. And I wasn’t sure if I was too weak of a human or if love was too strong an inflictor of pain, but a bitter and hateful loss never seems to leave. It comes back in flashbacks and old memories and a turn of a head that looks like their hair and in a look that feels like their eyes. And for years I only felt it, I only felt my loss of love in every object that reminded me of moments where I had been happy. And yet I am somehow here, in a room that feels so much softer, next to a beating heart that feels so much warmer, experiencing a love that a former one simply cannot compare to. And yet 4 years seems like forever, and yet 4 years was all it took. As I look into eyes that are so gleefully different, that are so kind and loving, and for the first time, I no longer care to look back. I can no longer taste the pain, I am no longer lost. I am here. Sometimes I don’t know how to believe it, so I close my eyes and take in the love around me. How it feels, how my heart beats, how your heart beats. I would not change one thing about this moment, I would not change one step in getting here.

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